How many tickets last year?

NINE?

Yes, that's right. Nine of those motherfuckers. Let's sort out the year, shall we?

1. Reckless Driving, Austin, Texas, near Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar. It started on Easter Sunday morning, 2007. Appoximately 3:00 am on the coldest Easter on record in Austin. I was driving the race-prepped Miata with race tires. Needless to say, it was like driving on ice. I left a stop light, turned left through the intersection, lost traction and gently drifted the car through the intersection. This was a four lane intersection, there was no traffic, I never got outside my lane, never broke the speed limit, and traveled maybe 1000 feet from time I left the light until I pulled over. Unfortunately, the most overzealous DUI officer in all of Austin pulled me over, absolutely positive I was drunk, which I most certainly was not. After his "I'm a prick, you're a criminal, I'm giving you a ticket for sure" attitude, my "I'm tired, give me the lecture or the ticket, I don't need both" attitude, I ended up with a Reckless Driving ticket.

Never had one before, but I soon learned it's the real cocksucker of a ticket -- purely cop's discretion and it carries the possibility of really large fines, jail time, and stupidly expensive insurance. Very nearly the same penalties as a DUI. Joy.

I hired a lawyer for that one. Nearly $3000 and a year later, it's a done deal. Most expensive ticket I've ever gotten and for one of the most bullshit reasons. As my lawyer said, "it's usually a ticket they give for going the wrong way down I-35, I really don't understand." Next time, I'll remember to check my attitude when the officer walks up and wants to be a real prick. I know better, but this was an expensive reminder.

2. 68 in 45. Austin, 2222. The police decided to stake out my favorite street by my house, and I didn't realize it. Prevailing speed on 2222 is usually over 55 mph, even though the speed limit says 45. I usually run it around 90 or so. Luckily, I was taking it "slow". I took defensive driving for this one, because I was still fighting the reckless driving and didn't know how a deferred adjudication was going to work at the same time.

3. 55 in 45. Austin, 2222. Two weeks later, same spot. Well, fuck. Went to court, told the judge I obviously hadn't learned my lesson the first time, and he let me take the defensive driving course for both. Ha ha.

4. 91 in 65. Somewhere in Illinois. I had picked up the red Porsche Cayman S you see in the title bar in Chicago and I was driving it back to Austin. It's a long drive, so I was driving fast. He caught me at 91, but that was fair, since I'd already ran from three cops, and I'd been traveling north of 120 mph. One can only get so lucky. I was able to take Illinois' driving course by mail, and they don't report back to Texas, so I didn't have to show up for court and it didn't go on my record.

5. 89 in a 65. Columbus, Texas, highway 71. 71 is a notorious speed trap, and I know better than to take this route from Houston, but the contract I was working there meant I could either take it or spend an extra hour traveling up to 290. And one night it bit me in the ass. Columbus offers deferred adjudication by mail, and it's only 30 days, so that's exactly what I did.

6. 78 in a 65. Columbus, Texas, highway 71. It's just not my year, is it? Not only did I know better, I got popped by the same officer in very nearly the same spot. Blame it on being tired and thinking the ticket was in a different jurisdiction. The funny thing was, we had the exact same conversation about my missing front plate, right down to my total bullshit "the bracket is on the slow boat from Germany" excuse and his "well, if I catch you without it again, I'm going to write you up" response. Sure thing, officer.

This one got complex since it fell within the 30 day deadline that I wasn't supposed to get another ticket. I drug out my court date as long as I could, and by the time I went to court, they totally forgot that I was on deferred adjudication when I got this one. Deferred adjudication again, and it didn't go on my record.

7,8,9. Speeding (no speed given), running a stop sign, failure to signal lane change, Katy, Texas. Yeah. I probably deserved all of these, though I'm not sure I actually ran a stop sign. I was being a royal jackass in the neighborhood I was renting in. Like 11pm at night, running the car up to redline through three gears, and other real jackass behavior. Honestly, I thought I was going to get another reckless driving ticket. When the tow trucks showed up behind the police car, I was positive of it. For whatever reason, the officer cut me a "break". That's still a good $700 in tickets. Not to mention, getting out of one ticket isn't hard. Getting out of three simultaneously in three different jurisdictions is a bit of a juggling act, but not much more difficult. Getting out of three at once? Well, that's usually difficult.

I did my research, and while the officer was in his jurisdiction, he sent me to the wrong precinct. I figured this gave me two opportunities to cut a deal -- if I couldn't do it in the one he sent the ticket to, I could have it thrown out for not being in the right court. Of course, that most likely means it would be filed in the other court, but I get two shots at it. Plus, I figured this court would want to deal since even a little money in their coffers is better than none at all. I was right.

I walked in, started to state my case, and the prosecuting attorney said, "before you say anything, just listen to what I have to say." He offered to dismiss the running a stop sign ticket and failure to signal outright, and all I had to do was pay the fine for the speeding ticket and none of them would go on my record. He already had all the paperwork drawn up, all I had to do was sign it. That's a pretty good deal, so I took it.


And that was that. Nine tickets, one year, no convictions, no insurance hit. I'm actually trying to slow down this year, we'll see how that goes. So far, no tickets. Thank God, last year was expensive.